I love you, I'm sorry
I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you
They say the four hardest phrases to say are “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me and thank you.” And if those four phrases are hard to say to others, imagine how hard they must be to say to ourselves? Think about it, when was the last time you said any one of those things to yourself?
The truth is, we need to hear “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me and thank you” not only from others, but from ourselves as well. Feedback, validation and reassurance from others feels nice and in a lot of ways is necessary to our survival. We are in fact social beings. That being said, the good feels that come up when someone offers us these phrases can be fleeting. Once the feelings pass, we often seek them again and again in order to feel better about ourselves.
We benefit most when we can learn to offer that kindness and understanding to ourselves. Unfortunately, the mistake I see most frequently with clients, friends, and even personally, is something I like to refer to as passive self-talk.
What is passive self-talk?
Passive self-talk is when we think about what we want to say to ourselves without actually speaking to ourselves. Often, passive self-talk is more of a reaction or correction, rather than a conversation. Here are some examples:
Example: You notice a distorted thought pattern and think, “Ugh, I’m not supposed to be thinking that way.”
This type of response shuts down our thoughts without addressing them. We might be able to shift our thought in that moment, but I guarantee that thought will return and we’ll have to try another method of responding to the thought again.
Example: You think a critical thought and then respond to yourself with, “I know, I know, if my mom or friend were here they would be telling me (insert some compassionate response) right now.”
In other words, “I should be thinking in this other way.” This tells us we’re doing a bad thing by thinking the original thought, rather than hearing and validating the thought. Not to mention, in thinking about what others would say to us, we still aren’t actually saying that response to ourselves, we’re just thinking about it.
In both of these examples, we often respond to the thought with the same harshness, criticism and attitude of the original unhelpful thought! This can be less effective than we want it to be, which is where I insert active self-talk.
What is active self-talk?
Active self-talk is responding, rather than reacting, to your thoughts from a kinder, more compassionate part of yourself. Active self-talk is more of a conversation within yourself, rather than a single correction to an unhelpful thought pattern.
Five Steps for Active Self-Talk
Thought Awareness
Notice when critical or harmful thoughts show up. You may or may not know where they are coming from (maybe they’re coming from a certain part of you, a past memory, or a caregiver), and that’s okay. You have to start by sorting through which thoughts are helpful and kind, versus which thoughts are critical and invalidating.
Emotional + Physical Regulation
Next, it’s important to take a pause. You need time to be able to respond to your inner world. It’s hard to be fully present with your thoughts if you’re also doing dishes, on the phone with a friend, or answering a work email. Put down whatever you are doing, ground yourself in the moment by tuning into your senses, and take a few deep breaths. This will help you focus on attending to the thoughts you want to address. In addition, offer yourself some form of kind and gentle touch. Maybe that’s putting a hand to your heart, or giving yourself a hug. Maybe it’s just repositioning yourself so that you’re more comfortable. Take care of your physical needs so that once again, you can be fully present and focused on attending to the distressing thought.
Curiosity
At this time, consider getting curious about your critical or unhelpful thoughts. We are often so quick to criticize or reprimand ourselves. However, our thoughts hold valuable and important messages within them. After offering yourself some compassion, ask yourself why you might be having this thought, or where it might be coming from. Curiosity allows us to better understand ourselves, which helps us to identify when unhelpful or critical thoughts might come up in the future.
Language + Tone
Our brain doesn’t understand sarcasm. So if you call yourself an idiot but assume it’s a joke between you and yourself, think again. Our brains interpret these words in the literal sense (i.e. an idiot is someone being stupid, silly, or wrong, rather than hearing it as a humorous nickname). Instead consider how you would respond to a friend who is in distress. Would you call them an idiot? I hope not! I assume you might say something along the lines of, “I know this is hard, friend, I’m here for you.” Just like language, our brains and bodies can recognize when we aren’t being completely compassionate or caring. If we attempt to respond to our thoughts with harshness, we are not going to succeed in shifting our relationship with ourselves. Imagine you’re speaking with your 5 year old self. What tone would you use? I’d guess it would be soft, nurturing, and caring.
Choose a Phrase
Last but not least, consider one final question: do I need to tell myself, “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, or thank you?” If the answer is yes to any one of those four phrases, take a moment and say it to yourself. This might feel weird and vulnerable to do at first, but my guess is you might be astounded with your own reaction to hearing those words from yourself.
Creating these conversations and shifting the relationship you have with yourself is much easier said than done. I hope in reading this blog that you have taken away some tips for how to speak with yourself. If you’re interested in learning more or getting individual treatment at Health in Tandem, please reach out to us via our Contact Us page. It would be a pleasure for us to help you along your journey toward understanding and self-compassion.