Mind Garden
Recently, I was listening to Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are and one of the analogies she used stood out to me. But before I get into that, let me just say that this book is a great resource for anyone who would like to learn more about sexual wellness. It primarily focuses on women’s sexual health and satisfaction. However, it has plenty of information that can be useful for a much wider audience. This metaphor she uses is a perfect example:
She talks about each of us having a proverbial “garden”. When we are younger, we rely on others (think: family, friends, teachers, coaches, religious leaders, society) to plant seeds and tend to the garden. Think of the seeds as beliefs, values, and messages about the world and how it works. As we get older, it becomes our responsibility to tend to the garden ourselves. We may start to notice that certain things that were planted in our garden no longer resonate with us, and that’s okay!
From a self-compassion standpoint, I’d like to invite you to engage in non-judgment toward the beliefs, values, and views that were planted in your garden for you. We can decide to “weed out” that plant or decide to stop watering it altogether, but it’s not your fault that it’s there. Sometimes these beliefs will be persistent and keep popping up - especially if they were planted early and often. Sometimes we can feel defeated when a belief that we no longer ascribe to continues to show up, but it takes time to plant something new.
As I mentioned before, we didn’t have control over what was planted in our garden before we took over. However, we can make conscious choices about what new seeds to plant and what we want to spend our time watering and nurturing.
Want to explore this concept further? Try journaling (or draw a picture!) and think about some of the beliefs, values and ideas that were instilled in you growing up, then answer some of the following processing questions:
Which of those beliefs do you feel still resonate?
Are there any that don’t feel like they fit anymore?
Can you pinpoint where these beliefs formed?
What experiences have led them to shift over time?