Self-Compassion
When you think about yourself, your actions, processes, health, and life, how critical are you and how quickly? Our inner dialogue can sometimes lead us into a dark and deep rabbit hole of critical, judgmental, and rigid thoughts about ourselves. As we continuously hold beliefs and patterns of thoughts about ourselves that are unhelpful and maladaptive, we begin to create a default in our brain that will activate anytime there is adversity in our life. To help facilitate changes in our brain about how we think about ourselves, we can set intentions on developing self-compassion to modify our neuropathways and default thinking to be more open, flexible, and kind.
Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion describes it as the ability to accept oneself, one’s imperfections and flaws and to extend oneself positive qualities such as love, support, genuine warmth, and comfort when one is experiencing emotional, mental, psychological, or physical pain (2012). Self-compassion is a skill or way of being that people can use to be kinder to themselves when life does not turn out as planned. It can help us begin to accept our fallibilities and imperfections because no one is perfect. It can also be used to help people confront their challenges and difficulties rather than avoiding or suppressing them, and it is through this process of sitting with these thoughts, experiences, and imperfections that people learn to soothe themselves and accept what is without being harmful to themselves.
There are three dualities to help us better understand the quality of self-compassion (Neff, 2003). First, it comprises of self-kindness versus self-judgment. Simply put, it requires us to treat ourselves with care and understanding. Unlike judgement, being kind to ourselves is an active process of us trying to soothe and alleviate pain. Another component is common humanity versus isolation. If there is one thing humans have in common in this world, it is pain. Pain is a part of the human experience and yet we feel abnormal and isolated in our pain, as though we are the only ones to experience it. Logically, we can agree that everyone suffers, but in the moment, when we just blew it at work, irrationally, we become egocentric. We feel isolated in our imperfection; we say, “why me?” “I can’t believe I’ve failed-I wasn’t supposed to have this life challenge!” Accepting that both we and life are imperfect can promote humility and connection. Lastly, self-compassion is the important distinction between mindfulness and over-identification with our painful experiences and feelings. Mindfulness allows us to be present with our painful feelings as they are. Similarly, it is avoiding extremes of suppressing or attaching ourselves to our painful feelings. Though we might say to ourselves- “isn’t it obvious when we are suffering? Why do we need mindfulness?” We are often lost in the role of self-critic that we don’t take a step back to acknowledge what we are going through is really hurting.
Most of us are familiar with the “fight-or-flight” system or sympathetic nervous system-our body’s defense system that signals when there is threat. Evolutionarily, this system is adaptive because it lets us know when we are in danger. However, it can become maladaptive when it is constantly activated, causing us to be dysregulated and distressed. Self-criticism triggers the sympathetic nervous system because our self-concept or identity is being threatened. In other words, it is not a lion chasing us that is making us feel threatened, rather, it is our minds triggering our own threat system through our harsh judgements, negative predictions, and self-criticisms. Self-compassion on the other hand takes a more nurturing approach. It simulates the mammalian care-giving system. Just as babies release chemicals like oxytocin when they are comforted, soothed, and cared for to help their systems calm down, we too can stimulate our systems to feel safe when we utilize self-compassion. It is ultimately more effective to be kind to ourselves than be in a perpetual state of distress, threat and self-attacking.
At this point, some of you might be saying to yourselves, “what’s the point?” “Is repeating positive affirmations in the mirror and writing down a list of my best qualities really going to change my life?” The answer is, most likely YES! Research suggests that self-compassion is linked to well-being and reductions in depression, stress, perfectionism, etc, greater coping and resilience in situations like divorce or post-combat, and motivation, health, accountability and more (Zessin, Dickhauser & Garbadee, 2015; Sbarra et al., 2012; Hiraoka et al., 2015; Neff, Hseih & Dejitthirat, 2005; Sirois, 2015; Neff, Rude & Kirkpatrick, 2007).
A great first step to cultivating self-compassion is taking stock on your daily thoughts. What does your inner voice sound like? Is it tender, supportive, and curious or oppressive and rough? When we practice mindfulness, we become aware of our thought trails and can stop them when they become destructive and replace them with more open and compassionate sentiments. Similarly, we might use mindfulness to anchor our minds on a task at hand rather than drifting into thought that might eventually lead to unconscious self-defeats. We can also practice self-compassion by thinking about how we would treat a friend when they are experiencing pain. What would we say to them? What might our body language or facial expressions be? Would we do anything to or for them? Just as we might provide a hand to hold or warmth and empathy to a friend in challenging times, we can extend those gestures to ourselves, because we are deserving of love too.
Self-compassion-it’s become a popular topic, a buzzword, and a headline in 2021 and for good reason. It is not a phase; it is a way of organizing our minds. If we prioritize self-compassion and organize our minds in such a way, then we subsequently organize the way we think, the way we tend to relationships with others and more importantly, with ourselves. When we grow a garden, the seeds that are planted will determine what will grow, whether it be flowers or weeds. Our minds grow in the context in which they are embedded. It is up to us to take control of the ways in which our minds are cultivated and grown. Though it is a challenge at first to see ourselves as being deserving of the same treatment we give to others, it can also be a liberation to not turn to anyone else but yourself when needing kindness, love, empathy, and compassion.
References
Hiraoka, R., Meyer, E.C., Kimbrel, N. A., B. DeBeer, B. B., Gulliver, S. B., & Morissette. S. B. (2015). Self-compassion as a prospective predictor of PTSD symptom severity among trauma-exposed U.S. Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 28, 1-7.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity. 2, 85-102.
Neff, K. (2012). The science of self-compassion. In C. K. Germer & R. D. Siegel (Eds.) Wisdom and compassion in psychotherapy: Deepening mindfulness in clinical practice (pp. 79-92). New York: Guilford Press
Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y.-P., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, Achievement Goals, and Coping with Academic Failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), 263–287. https://doi.org/10.1080/13576500444000317
Neff, K. D., Rude, S. & Kirkpatrick, K. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality. 41. 908-916. 10.1016/j.jrp.2006.08.002.
Sbarra, D. A., Smith, H. L. & Mehl, M. R. (2012). When leaving your Ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science. 23(3), 261–269.
Sirois, F.M., Molnar, D., S., & Hirsch, J.K. (2015) Self-Compassion, Stress, and Coping in the Context of Chronic Illness, Self and Identity, 14:3, 334-347, DOI: 10.1080/15298868.2014.996249
Zessin, U., Dickhäuser, O., & Garbade, S. (2015). The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Applied psychology. Health and well-being, 7(3), 340–364. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12051