SATC and Attachment

A Therapist's Analysis of Sex and the City Character's Relationships

*Cue Sex and the City theme song*

If you’re like me, then you definitely binged all six seasons of Sex and the City during quarantine. After the feelings of despair subsided from concluding the final season, I was finally able to reflect on the characters and themes. Of course, as most therapists would, I analyzed the complex personalities and relationships the show presented. It was interesting to look at these character’s relationships through the lens of Attachment Theory. Many of the characters displayed insecurities in their relationships. Though these insecurities manifested differently, they may help us to understand attachment styles. 

So, what is Attachment Theory and why is it important? 

Attachment Theory was first formulated by John Bowlby. This theory states that infants need to develop a relationship with at least one caregiver for normal emotional and social development. Infants become attached to adults who are sensitive and responsive in social interactions with them. A consistent caregiver becomes a secure base for the child to explore from and return to. Eventually these parental responses will lead to attachment patterns, developing an individual’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations in later relationships. Mary Ainsworth, developmental psychologist, termed the attachment patterns: secure, anxious and avoidant attachment. 

Attachment styles are the manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships. There is inconsistency in the literature about how many attachment styles there are, but for the sake of this blog, we will stick to the three I mentioned above. Securely attached folks feel comfortable and even welcome intimacy; they are usually loving and warm. The caregivers of someone who has developed a secure attachment style is one who is available and able to meet the needs of the child in an attentive and appropriate manner. Secure caregivers differ from a caregiver that evokes anxious tendencies in an infant in that they are inconsistent and unpredictable. In one moment, the caregiver might tend to the child’s needs and in another, they may not. Anxious attachment in adult relationships tends to look like an individual being preoccupied with the relationship and worried about whether their partners love them. Those with anxious attachment might become easily frustrated when their attachment needs go unmet. The avoidantly attached tend to equate intimacy with a loss of independence and often will try to push themselves away when they can. They may appear that they do not care much about close relationships. This attachment style can originate from a caregiver that was absent and neglectful. 

As you read through this post, you might find behaviors and patterns the characters display that resonate with you or that you might notice in someone you know. I want to make an important note here: Though these attachment styles exist, they are not black and white. You may notice that you or someone you know contains both anxious and avoidant patterns; that is normal. You also might find that you present with anxious tendencies even though your early life attachment with your parents was secure; this is also normal. Attachment styles are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, however, other life experiences, including, being cheated on or exiled from a friend group, can affect how we engage in relationships. 

Now let’s get into the fun stuff. Although I’d love to do a psychoanalysis of all the characters, I will stick to three characters that showcase traits of the attachment styles I have mentioned. Unfortunately, I am working without the crucial piece of information about family history; we will not know how early life experiences have affected these characters, but we can still touch on some of the patterns within their relationships.

Carrie Bradshaw, our beloved. We love to love her, but we also hate to cringe at her many relationships that ended up as flukes. Carrie displayed clear anxious attachment tendencies in her relationships with Mr. Big, Aidan, Aleksandr Petrovsky, etc. Now this might be a hot take, but one of her cringiest relationships in my (maybe unpopular) opinion was with Mr. Big. This romance began with Mr. Big and Carrie serendipitously bumping into one another; as it unfolded, we saw Carrie become more and more defeated and absorbed with the unpredictability. After their dates, Carrie would go home to hash out every detail with her girls. She waited anxiously by the phone when they were not together. Though she wanted his attention, she played games to keep his interest by presenting to be unavailable, busy, or uninterested. Though Big showed several times throughout the show that he was emotionally unavailable, Carrie continued to make excuses for him. In her relationship with Aleksandr Petrovsky, she wanted more closeness to him and surprisingly agreed to move to Paris and retire from her New York column writing career to be with him (even though there were times in which she was apprehensive). Carrie, and those with anxious attachment style, have a unique and sensitive ability to sense when the relationship is threatened. Even the slightest recognition that something may be wrong can send the anxiously attached into a spiral until they get clear indication that their partners are truly there for them, and that the relationship is safe. Men like Aleksandr and Mr. Big, who presented with avoidant tendencies like emotional unavailability and inconsistency are red flags for the nervous system of someone with an anxious attachment style. Mr. Big…we are proud of you for getting it together in the end! 

I couldn’t write a Sex and the City blog without mentioning one of my favorite characters-Ms. Samantha Jones. This powerhouse of a woman was unapologetically authentic, fiercely independent, and a self-proclaimed "try-sexual” (“I’ll try anything once!”). Her hilarious one-liner relationship advice showcased her emotional unavailability and disinterest in deep intimacy. It wasn’t until later seasons we saw Samantha desiring the commitment and intimacy with Richard Wright and Jerry ‘Smith’ Jerrod. We are here for her sexual spontaneity! But let’s acknowledge for a moment her avoidance of emotional closeness. Samantha valued her independence greatly and often looked at dependency as “neediness”. She used distancing strategies (both physical and emotional) to reduce closeness such as blaming work for not committing to anything serious, leaving future plans unclear, and refusing to hold hands. She made it known that anyone she was going to commit to HAD to be perfect or damn close to it! In the beginning of her relationship with Smith, she did not make her intentions clear, which left him guessing about her feelings. When Smith tried to broach the relationship defining conversation, it was off-limits for Samantha. Research shows that like anxiously attached folks, avoidantly attached individuals are also vulnerable to separation and loss. This might come as a surprise; however, their “free-spirited” dispositions are only a defense that makes them seem that way. 

I truly had a difficult time finding someone on this show that presented with characteristics of secure attachment. I thought for a moment, maybe, Charlotte? However, her relationship ideals were characterized by fairytales, and she often displayed a need for a “knight in shining armor” to complete her-characteristics of an anxiously attached individual. Instead, I went with her husband, the underrated king, Harry Goldenblatt. He exemplified secure attachment. He was not discreet about his admiration and desire to be with Charlotte, and unlike some of the other characters, he did not play games. From the beginning he showed reliability and consistency and was not afraid to love her wholeheartedly without fear of dependency or commitment (hence, his proposal to her!) Even when Charlotte revealed she wasn’t Jewish, he was open to continuing the relationship and accepted her wholly. Charlotte was hesitant, rightfully so-she had already been married and divorced, but Harry’s communication, flexibility, and compromise helped the relationship to blossom. If him shaving his back for Charlotte didn’t do it for you-I don’t know what will!

Knowing the science behind relationships can keep us from being misguided by misconceptions and myths. Not everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. Understanding your own attachment style can help bring insight into relationships that are suitable for you. This lighthearted analysis displays the ways that each of these attachment styles may manifest. If you are interested in learning more about Attachment Theory and attachment styles and how your attachment style influences your relationships, I encourage you to talk to your therapist and/or do more research!