Dealing with a Narcissist

When the Mask Falls off: Dealing with a Narcissist 



Whether it’s a family member, friend, or significant other, those who struggle with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, often never know they have it, and rarely, if ever, seek treatment for it. According to the DSM-5, an individual who struggles with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), exhibits at least 5 of these character traits: 


  • Is superior or grandiose.

  • Has fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

  • Believes s/he is special and should associate with high status people or institutions.

  • Expects excessive admiration. 

  • Has exaggerated entitlement. 

  • Is exploitative. 

  • Lacks emotional empathy. 

  • Is envious, and believes others are envious of her/him.

  • Is arrogant and haughty. 


Now, I am sure we all know more than a few people who meet more than a few of these traits, and most likely, there has been some kind of friction in the relationship, with whoever came to mind. Narcissists require people and relationships the way a predator needs to hunt, and unless you grew up with a narcissistic parent or sibling, it is difficult to ascertain whether or not someone is a narcissist after one interaction. Narcissist’s see people and relationships as a way in which to feed their own needs whether it be sex, money, social status, or image. There is no emotional bond or respect that they have for you, and once you have served your purpose (which is to supply them with whatever they need), you will be discarded without any second thought. There is no sense of guilt, or sympathy in walking away for them.


A narcissist’s distorted thinking interferes with their ability to reason, see the ‘gray area’ in their either/or thinking, moderate and control their emotions, judge rationally and fairly, as well as interact with others correspondingly. For those with narcissistic parents, they model irrational thinking such as false dichotomies, polarizing, filtering, personalizing, and will often minimize their own abusive behavior as a way to avoid blame and accountability. This will often leave children of narcissistic parents fearful of expressing their emotions and emotional needs, as well as create a sense of their own needs being irrelevant and unimportant. Narcissistic parents often use shame as a weapon in which to seek control of those around them, and as a way to be ‘beneath’ the narcissist. Internalized shame can lead to anxiety & panic attacks, self-hatred, self-harm, addiction, and a disconnection from one's authentic self.


Narcissist’s love to GASLIGHT. This is where, ‘Believe what YOU want to believe,’ ‘I’m sorry YOU feel that way,’ and ‘I never said that, YOU’RE crazy,’ has become a common phrase heard around the world. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that creates doubt in another person’s perception of reality, and of the truth. They will often use suggestions, dismissal, denial, and create false narratives in order to deteriorate another person's ability to interpret, remember, and make meaning of situations and events. This is often seen in romantic relationships with a narcissistic partner. Narcissists hate being held accountable for their actions, and when the partner without NPD begins to challenge the partner with NPD in regards to their ‘promises,’ the partner with NPD will discard and devalue as a means to avoid facing who they never were able to be for you in the first place. 


In the beginning stages of dating a narcissist, there is a clear lack of healthy boundaries, and the narcissist will often use lov bombing as a tactic to manipulate attachment quickly. Love bombing can look like future planning on the first date (‘when we have kids,’ or ‘when we get married.’), excessive flattery, premature admission of love and commitment. Narcissists also use mirroring as a way to seduce and solidify an emotional connection from their targeted partner. This means the positive, empathic, caring, and loving qualities that you have are being mimicked back in a way that seems genuine, and trusting, which ultimately fuels the belief that this person is your soulmate. Narcissists lack the ability to truly form intimacy, and foster deep connections. 


So how can you protect yourself from narcissistic abuse if you don’t know the signs? This comes down to you! Begin to really know your boundaries in relationships, and know what your values are. Those who grew up with a narcissistic parent, grew up with other traumatic circumstances, are highly empathic, or seem to be the ‘caretaker/fixer’ in relationships, are far more susceptible to ending up with a narcissist as a partner, and in your life. Narcissists feed on your emotions, and require them in order to control, so being able to know yourself is your superpower. Establish those healthy boundaries, and don’t waver on anything that goes against your values. Respect yourself, and build up on self-love in order to vocalize and value your feelings. Know that your emotional needs within relationships are always valid, and if your partner is dismissing or minimizing how you feel, they are not for you!

Stefanie M. Bailey