Taking Accountability Safely
Something that I have been thinking a lot about recently is accountability; what we think accountability is and what it’s often mistaken for, how we hold ourselves and others accountable, and the surprising ways it can empower us.
Simply put, accountability is the act of holding ourselves or another responsible for our or their actions. For a moment, think of the way in which you were held responsible as a child. How were you punished when you made a mistake or rebelled? What were you told? Maybe your parents or teachers assigned you with a label such as careless or lazy. Maybe you were spanked or isolated as a way to facilitate reflection. Similarly, society has come to generate its own ways of reprimanding. Public humiliation, such as one declaring their crime or being exiled are a few ways we might see punishment occur from a macro lens. This isn’t a blog post on parenting or social ethics though, so we won’t go there, but rather, a question of our understanding of what accountability is and how we have come to fear and resist it.
The line between accountability and shame has become blurred. Accountability is about the actions, not the individual. Example: your behavior was impactful or against the rules, but you as a person are not necessarily bad. Conversely, shaming a person for their wrongdoings sounds like attacking a person’s character-you are bad because of this behavior. Shame is actually a deterrent for people to change and admit their faults. It triggers hostility, disconnection and a lack of belonging, and our defense to externalize responsibility. When we have been conditioned to believe we are bad for our transgressions, we are less likely to take the opportunity to reflect and shift our behaviors.
An alternative approach to increasing accountability as a whole is to change the narrative and language around it. There is a way to say “I'm hurting because of x thing that was said or done” in an empathetic way, such as “I’m noticing you look away and become distracted when I am talking to you about my day. When this happens, I become frustrated and shut down. Have you noticed this? Do you believe it is a problem?” Notice, we are not saying “you are a bad listener and you don’t care about me”, but rather identifying the way a certain behavior makes us feel, leaving room for discussion. Oftentimes it can feel like we are invalidating our own feelings by being understanding of one’s humility, but empathy does not mean that we are laying someone off the hook or disregarding our own feelings and experiences.
When accountability has historically felt shameful for us, there might be a strong physiological and emotional reaction and resistance to someone trying to communicate the impact of our behaviors. On the receiving end, we might become defensive and dig our heels in the sand to argue our position and intent before listening and trying to understand. I want to offer a radical perspective-taking accountability for ourselves, our behavior, our emotions and thoughts, belief systems and lives can be incredibly empowering. Accountability, though consequential at times, can help us reflect on our behaviors and ask ourselves if they truly aligned with us. It can strengthen our relationship to ourselves and others. Taking ownership of ourselves puts our life back into our own hands versus feeling victim in our relationships and to our circumstances. Through accountability we can strengthen our internal locus of control, which is the degree to which we believe that we have control over the outcomes of our lives as opposed to external forces.
Personal accountability is an act of courage and humility. If you find there is blaming and shaming in your relationship, think of ways to facilitate an environment of compassion, curiosity, and understanding. It is hard to let someone know how they have impacted us and also hard to hear when we have impacted someone. Offer yourself compassion no matter the position you are in. Know that you are not bad, but human, when taking ownership of yourself.