Plenty of Fish in the Sea

Plenty of Fish in the Sea: Online Dating

When did dating apps become the mode of operation when it comes to finding a relationship, or well, a mate in any fashion? There are over 1,500 dating apps and websites all conspiring to sell you the belief that your soulmate is within its product. In a study that aggregated information from 500 dating app users, the percentage of ‘successful’ relationships, and by successful, I mean relationships that have ended in marriage, was 13%. The larger percentages such as only going on 1-2 dates was at 23.7%, and the ‘other’ category (most likely a sexual hookup) was at 26.3%. What is interesting is that most dating app users mark ‘looking for a relationship,’ in their profiles (38% of them), but often don’t make it past 6 months or a year (21.7%). Are dating apps really effective in this search for true, unconditional love? Or, is it simply a catalog to browse when you need an ego boost? 

If it’s an ego boost you are looking for it may just backfire, considering 49% of dating app users have an increase in depressive symptoms activated by dating app use. In a study done by the University of North Texas, Tinder users experience more mental health issues than non-users, which can be attributed to regular rejection & frequent self-doubt (Lopez Witmer, 2021). Low self-esteem, loneliness, and hopelessness are also emotions that can become prevalent when avidly using dating apps. There is a constant revolving door of options, which means a lack of authentic emotional connection due to the wide net of available partners.

Ghosting is pretty common in the dating app world, so for those with low self-esteem and who exhibit more of an anxious attachment style, it’s a recipe for self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Ghosting in context with dating apps, is when you match with someone, have a good conversation (relatively), maybe even plan a date or go on a date, and then communication stops. Leaving you to feel as if you have done something wrong, or that you said something wrong, or that you’re simply not good enough to date. Can you imagine how that is going to impact your sense of self? It isn’t going to be in a positive way, I can tell you that.

Dating apps light up our pleasure pathway/reward system in our brain. It releases those lovely neurochemicals called dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline. So, when you match with someone the wave of excitatory neurochemicals begin to fire off, and we get trapped in this inconsistent high/low chase because our brain wants to keep feeling good about the ‘new’ possibility. This is often reflected in those who have an anxious attachment style as well. Once a match occurs the need to focus entirely on the new match means to foster a potential relationship. For dating apps like Bumble, in which time is of the essence (24 hours to match and start conversion), those with anxious attachment styles often become engrossed, and often obsessed with checking the app frequently throughout the day, as to not miss any matches or ‘dopamine’ hits. 

When the pandemic hit, there was a need for dating apps in order to meet and maintain new connections because you weren’t going out and meeting people in person anymore. Now, it is a different story. With the Covid under control, and vaccines being administered and boosted, there has been a decline in online connection. People are venturing out and doing activities again, with ample opportunity to meet others in real space and time. So, what really is the most promising way to date? How do you not get caught up in the gamification of dating apps when you are trying to meet someone genuine? 

First, identify what it is you are looking for. If it is just a friend with benefits relationship you want, be assertive and clear when meeting others on an app or in person. Secondly, acknowledge that not everyone on these apps are really looking for love, and that it does not mean you are less than worthy of it, just because your match doesn’t want a relationship with you. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! If anyone crosses them even a little bit, chances are they will not adhere to them once you commit. Pay attention to your non-negotiables! Being 6’ 2” and tattooed, is not a good enough excuse to be putting up with being treated poorly or disrespected. 

Dating is a dumpster fire, but we don’t need to go garbage picking just to feel like we have a ‘dating life.’ So please, identify for yourself what it is you want, and communicate that assertively to minimize those feelings of rejection and self-doubt. No one should ever be the basis for your self-worth!