Polyamory
Polyamory: Many Loves
“You’re not polyamorous, you just can’t commit.”
“You’re not polyamorous you just want to sleep with everyone.”
“You’re not polyamorous, you just haven’t found ‘the one,’ yet.”
For anyone who is polyamorous, you’ve heard statements like these a thousand times from family, friends, or even while dating nonsupportive/nonaccepting partners! But, for those that do not know much about what it means to be polyamorous, this is your dose of polyamory 101.
Well what is it? Polyamory is the pursuit and enjoyment of multiple romantic relationships at the same time. No, it is not the same as those in open relationships, where you and your partner can have multiple casual sex partners. It means each relationship is as committed as the first relationship, or primary relationship if looking at hierarchical polyamory (we’ll get into that). Each partner is aware of the other, and new partners must always be approved of by the standing partners, or at the very least boundaries & rules must be understood, known, and agreed upon by all parties involved.
Polyamory can be either hierarchical or non-hierarchical. In hierarchical polyamory, there is a primary partner, which means the first committed individual, typically connected by marriage, because for most, polyamory wasn’t even thought about or known until later in life. Many polyamorous individuals ascribed to a ‘traditional’ monogamous partnership, because that is really all that has ever been represented in mainstream society through media, and well, history (hello patriarchy). For those practicing non-hierarchical polyamory, there is no designated primary, and all partners are seen as having the same priority as another. There are also those who practice solo-polyamory, which emphasizes personal agency. This means someone practicing solo-polyamory, does not seek to engage in relationships that are tightly couple-centric, or financially & domestically entwined. This allows solo-poly people to choose their partners without approval of other partners, and fosters freedom and flexibility .
We can’t talk about polyamory without talking about compersion, metamours, and what being polysaturated means. Compersion is the state of happiness, joy, and pleasure one gets when seeing their partner happy. In the poly-world, this mostly centers around positive feelings towards a partner having a positive experience with one of their partners. A metamour is similar, but much much different. A metamour refers to two people who share the same partner, but are not romantically or sexually involved. For example, if you are married, and have a girlfriend or boyfriend, your spouse would be metamours with your girlfriend/boyfriend. If all of this seems to be a bit overwhelming in the relationship department, that’s o.k, there is a term for that! Polysaturated means that the thought of another relationship leaves you feeling more tired and exhausted than thrilled. There is a limit to what a poly individual can handle in terms of relationships, and it isn’t based on sex alone. Being polyamorous is emotional work, and when one has been made thin due to their partners needing their emotional support, and security, it can most certainly be too much to handle.
The assumption that polyamory is for individuals who never want to commit is laughable. You are committed to not just one, but maybe three other people, all of which require your time, attention, affection, and support. Polyamory is not a flippant, and aloof orientation or identity, it calls for self-awareness, and communication skills that most monogamous couples haven’t even mastered yet. So, before looking down your nose at those who practice polyamory, perhaps ask yourself the question: am I really anti-poly, or do I just not have the emotional capacity to love more than one person?