Being Vulnerable
As a therapist, I hear about a lot of people’s deepest, darkest thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And while sometimes that’s difficult to sit with, it’s also a beautiful experience. I believe my clients help me as much as I help them, and here’s why: I’ve come to learn that despite all of our varied experiences, backgrounds, interests, and opinions, at our core, we are all just human beings.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had clients say that they are afraid to share something because they think it’ll sound weird or that I’ll judge them for it. And guess what happens when they do share? Every single time I have either had that same “weird” thought myself, or I’ve talked to other people and clients who’ve felt that same “messed up” feeling.
What my profession, and my personal life, have shown me, is that holding onto our thoughts and feelings is a lonely experience. We often feel fearful of sharing these parts of ourselves because we think we’ll be rejected, but the fact of it is, being vulnerable and sharing ourselves with others is what connects us.
That being said, being vulnerable with others can be a scary thing, especially if you have been rejected before. If you’re wondering how to start the process of being more vulnerable with others, take a look at these considerations:
Be picky with who you choose to be vulnerable with.
The decision to be more vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing every little thing you’re thinking or feeling or experiencing with some random person sitting next to you on the bus, or even with every friend or loved one. It’s important to vet who you think might be open to learning more about you. When choosing the right person from your support network to share with, consider what actions this person has taken to show you that they are trustworthy, non-judgemental, and empathetic. If you can’t think of any memories which show you these traits, they may not be the right person for you to open up to.
Define your guidelines and expectations for the conversation.
When introducing the idea of being more vulnerable with someone, let them know that this is difficult for you. More than that, let them know what you’re hoping to see or get from the conversation. This could sound like, “I have something to share with you and I would love it if you could just listen. I’m not looking for any particular response from you, I just want to share this part of me with you.” Another example is to set some boundaries within the conversation like, “I’m not ready to answer that question yet” or “I’m not comfortable sharing any more about this at this time. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to tell you more.” When you define your own guidelines and expectations from the start, it can help you to feel empowered and maybe even a little bit comfortable.
Decide how much and what you want to share.
When you’re choosing to be vulnerable with someone else, it should be just that, a choice. And with that choice, you get to decide your limits. Want to share one part of your experience but not the other? Great. Want to express part of how you’re feeling but hold onto another feeling? That’s totally fine. Want to tell the other person part of your thought process and let them know you’re not ready to share more at this time? You got it. You get to share how much and what you want to, and that’s that.
Make a plan for what you might need afterwards
Being vulnerable with someone else can be scary, overwhelming, and anxiety-provoking. After these types of difficult conversations, you may find that you need something comforting or soothing. Beforehand, consider what you might need and make sure that it’s readily available. For some, that may be asking the listener for a hug. For others that may be taking some alone time. Whatever you need, give yourself some compassion and offer yourself the permission to have it.
Being vulnerable can be incredibly anxiety-provoking, but just like anything that causes us anxiety, our anxiety will only increase the more we avoid it. So don’t forget, at our core, we are all just human beings.