Breakup Hacks
Have you ever gone through a breakup and noticed it started to become a saga? Late night calls to one another, sneakily texting them when you're with your friends, bargaining with yourself to stay in the relationship just a bit longer and things might change. The space they leave in our day-to-day life story once broken up feels unfamiliar and lonely. We feel shackled to a relationship that we might even acknowledge no longer suits us; breaking promises to ourselves when we said we would never go back. After some time, we’re caught in a predictable and repetitive cycle of breaking up and getting back together or “relationship cycling”. Before calling yourself toxic (full disclosure, as a therapist, I really don’t like this word), let’s bring some understanding as to why this cycle might occur.
As I mentioned earlier, the void we experience when someone exits our life feels unfamiliar and lonely. As humans, uncertainty and unfamiliarity can feel really threatening to us. Our brains like black-and-white thinking because it provides us with predictability. Sitting in “the gray” after a breakup is stretching a brain muscle. Offering yourself words of reassurance that you are safe to experience uncertainty is important and compassionate. Similarly, loneliness can elicit these same feelings of fear and discomfort. Our brain might have catastrophic thoughts like “I’m going to be alone forever!” Which of course, makes sense as to why that would trigger us into texting our exes. Being in an abusive or codependent relationship, having low self-worth and shame, familiarity, and lingering feelings are all reasons we might find ourselves ruminating on whether or not we should hit send on the “I miss you” text.
So how do we get out of the cycle? When our brains and our bodies are sending us cues of danger and urgency, we are having to pause, step outside our instincts, and choose an alternative route. Let me first mention, this is not easy work. The grief we feel after a breakup is indicative of the love we felt; naturally we are wanting to self-soothe, though sometimes that is by communicating with the person we’ve just broken up with. You are going to need to be your best friend here, your biggest cheerleader. Self-compassion and kindness are going to be essential for you to get through the hardest days. We can be intentional in the ways we show up for ourselves outside of our natural (and sometimes unhelpful) instincts.
When you no longer have “your person” to connect with, here are some ways you might find the outlet they provided you with:
Make a playlist on a music streaming service
If you are someone who shared a lot of music with your ex, this might be helpful. You can dump all the songs you would share with them in a playlist. A playlist could offer other forms of relief too. It could be used as a way to store all the songs that remind you of them. We can both love and be triggered by a song. Placing specific (and maybe temporarily triggering) songs in a playlist could help you keep them without worrying they might pop up when shuffle is on. Maybe it’s a breakup song playlist (Thanks Aly and Aj), giving you a lineup of songs that can help you get a good cry out. Crying is an excellent way to release, and what better way to grieve than to a sad song. Of course, the catch here is knowing when it’s time to hit pause on the music and play something more uplifting or placing your attention elsewhere. We want to provide space for grief, but it’s also okay to give ourselves permission to put the grief away when we need to tend to other parts of ourselves and our lives.
2. Make a saved folder on instagram
Similar to making a curated and intentional playlist, creating a saved folder on instagram might also help you save memes and posts that you would’ve otherwise sent to your former partner. I really like these two ideas because they give us an outlet. It’s a similar routine of liking the post and sharing, except we’re sharing with ourselves. We don’t have to get stuck in the “Should I send them this song or meme? I know they’d really like it. I haven’t talked to them in a while, this could help us reconnect” because we’re placing that song or post somewhere specific. Alternatively, you might make a saved folder on instagram of posts that help you cope. Maybe this folder contains infographics on grief or memes that help you get a good laugh. Either way, you’re intentionally curating something for yourself. This is an act of self-love and self-compassion.
3. Writing a letter, text, post, email, BUT NOT SENDING IT
Sometimes we end up communicating with our ex again because we need to emotionally release. We haven’t said everything that’s on our mind and we just need to. It can feel like we’re going to absolutely rupture if we don’t get the last word, if we don’t express how much they meant to us or how much they’ve hurt us. Words are our closure. What I've noticed can happen though is if it isn’t already reinforcing the breakup-back together cycle, then it will; but also, we often regret what it is we’ve said in a moment of rage, frustration, grief, and/or sadness. When our emotions are full force, we can make the human mistake of speaking from those emotions versus for those emotions. Writing a letter, text, email, post in our notes app, whatever, without actually sending it can help to eliminate this possibility. We can fully speak from or for our emotions without having to worry about any unwanted reactions, responses, or regret. Of course a therapist is suggesting you write a letter (*face palm*), but hear me out, as cliché as it may sound, it helps and I stand by it. Writing allows us to separate from our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. We are practicing what’s called “cognitive defusion” a method that helps us detach from our internal world and understand that we are not our thoughts and feelings, rather the context in which they occur. It also helps us process in a safe and controlled way. When we take a step back after writing without sharing, we might notice that our thoughts or feelings don’t hold the same strength as they did initially.
What these three accommodations have in common is their intentionality and their invitation to press pause-to think before we act, to have space between us and the immediate reaction. Breakups suck. We feel heartbroken and lost. Sometimes they get a little messy. It’s okay, offer yourself grace. You’re human. You want to be loved. The metaphorical dagger that we might actually physiologically feel in our hearts can be excruciating and the silence, deafening. You are safe to feel difficult emotions. Hold yourself as you would your best friend in their heartbreak. When we experience that void and unfamiliarity, it is scary. But it does not have to be. The space can be room for you to become you again, to come back home to yourself. “Accommodation” means “the process of adapting or adjusting to someone or something; a settlement or compromise”. These are ideas that came up for me, but I encourage you to think about what would be accommodating for you in this novel time. What might be helpful adaptations in this new phase of your life?