A.R.E. you there for me?
I am close to finishing up Dr. Sue Johnson’s “Hold me tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” and I couldn’t help but pause to reflect on a key part that she discusses and that everyone hopes to experience in their intimate and interpersonal relationships–deep and sound emotional responsiveness. In partnerships we ask a simple yet vital question, “A.R.E. you there for me?” If we receive an enthusiastic “YES!”, we experience long-lasting love that fosters emotional responsiveness, but if not, we feel isolated and find ourselves turning our back to the very person we want closeness with.
Dr. Sue Johnson is one of my favorite psychotherapists and authors. She is also the founder of the powerful Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT was initially designed for couples, but now is being used for individuals. This modality helps folks get to the root of their emotions and attachment injuries; understand how these injuries cause us to react and respond; challenge ourselves to soften enough to vulnerably express these inner insecurities, fears and wounds; develop deeper understanding; and ultimately reinforce a safer and more secure bond (with ourselves and others). Attachment injuries or wounds are “a sense of betrayal and/or abandonment at a key moment of need, that if not addressed and healed, undermines trust and connection and triggers or fuels relationship distress and partner insecurity”. Oftentimes, when we experience attachment injuries in our relationships without addressing them, we find ourselves protesting in ways that may not be conducive to strengthening our connection.
Emotional responsiveness can help us to break common patterns in our relationships. It has three components: accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. When a partner asks, “A.R.E. you there for me?”, they are really asking “Are you accessible, responsive, and engaged with me when I reach out to you?”
Accessibility
“Can I reach you?” A partner that is accessible is one that can be reached when you need them. Sometimes this means connecting with our partner when we want to celebrate an accomplishment or share an idea. These moments are less difficult to connect with our partner. Of course we want to connect on things that are joyful and exciting! Other times, it might mean looking to your partner for reassurance or comfort. When we turn to our partner with insecurity, the hope is that they will turn towards, validate, and console us, but if they don't, it can heighten those insecurities. At times, we might shut down in our relationships, especially during moments of conflict and insecurity. Accessibility is being willing to stay open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure. Talk about vulnerable!
Responsiveness
“Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?” Being able to access your partner is important, but before feeling connected and seen, we need to experience our partner being responsive to our emotions. We want to know we matter to our partner, that our emotions are important and have an impact on them. Not being responded to feels lonely and isolating, and leads us to feeling unimportant. We might come to the conclusion that they must not care for us if they’re not attuned to us, but rarely that is the case. Our partners might have their own signals that go off when they see us hurting or struggling. They might think “Are they mad at me? Did I do something? How do I fix this?” Without knowing what’s wrong, they might step in and try different things to alleviate the pain, and if the attempts are unsuccessful, this can lead to frustration on both ends. We want to learn to convey comfort and care to our partner’s needs.
Engagement
“Do I know you will value me and stay close?” Being accessible and responding to our partner is important, but the final piece is being emotionally present for true connection. This is the special kind of attention we give to our partners. Couples who are curious about one another, ask questions, care about and show empathy to expressed emotions are going to be pulled to continue to share more with one another. This kind of adoration cultivates and reinforces a bond. Engagement is leaning in and being involved with one another; by sharing and safely holding one another’s inner world.
I love this acronym because it is an easy way for us to reflect on how we show up when our partner needs us and how our partner shows up for us. Communication and listening can be developed and strengthened even if you and/or your partner did not have quality models for these skills. It is not only vulnerable to identify our own fears and insecurity that create barriers to intimacy, but also vulnerable to mutually enact changes to achieve safety, security, and connection. Love is a risk, but a risk worth taking.