3 Myths about Self-Compassion
Another self-compassion blog post! If you couldn’t tell, this topic is one of my favorites. It is a
powerful tool, but one that requires patience and curiosity. While it may appear easy, with
wrapping ourselves in a blanket, binging Euphoria, and eating pad thai on a Friday night or
looking in the mirror and saying “You are enough” three times, it can bring up a lot of
discomfort and resistance for many of us. Sometimes self-compassion isn’t taking a bath for four
hours and buying 7 different face masks, one for each weekday. Sometimes, it is doing the hard
but necessary work because we know it is in our best interest. It is the way in which we hold
ourselves when we are down, and the way in which we lend ourselves a hand to get back up.
I won’t get too much into the specifics about what self-compassion is, you can find more
information from an older *blog post* I’ve written. Today I’m going to talk about what self-
compassion is not, and common misconceptions we have about it. For a quick refresher, Kristin
Neff, leading expert in self-compassion research, suggests that self-compassion is comprised of
three tenets: self-kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity. When we can be with our pain
with mindful presence and turn compassion inward, we can offer ourselves support,
encouragement, and empathy.
As a therapist I have noticed a few reactions when clients attempt to offer themselves
compassion. The first is a phenomenon we call “backdraft”. Backdraft is originally a firefighter
term to describe fires that grow when exposed to oxygen. Self-compassion allows us the capacity
to reach deep in our heart, however, those depths can hold some of our most painful and tender
memories. Have you ever heard the quote “love reveals anything unlike itself”? When we show
ourselves love, we can activate times when we were not shown unconditional love. Our initial
interactions with self-compassion might evoke more pain. Normalizing this experience to clients
can help them to stick with it and trust the process. Allow the pain to surface, and when it does,
ask yourself, how would I support my best friend in this moment?
When educating clients on self-compassion, there is another familiar response I observe. Doubt
and distrust. There are many misconceptions on self-compassion. I’ve heard it compared to self-
pity and over-indulgence. I’ve had clients ask, “how am I supposed to improve and grow if I’m
always giving myself a pass when I fail?” In the beginning of this work, and even today
(Surprise! I’m human!), I have also had these responses. I have felt stumped when thinking about
the constructive criticism debate. Through my own research (thank you Center for Mindful Self-
Compassion), I have found answers to these skepticisms.
Myth #1: Self-compassion is self-pity
Self-pity usually sounds like “Why me? What have I done to deserve this?” This is different
from self-compassion’s facet of common humanity that says, “this is hard for all of us”. Self-pity
immerses us into our problems, consumes us, until we feel completely isolated. We become
withdrawn and disconnected as we get lost in our emotions and pain. Common humanity is our
reminder that we are never experiencing our pain in isolation. Through this common humanity,
not only can we feel more connected, but we also have the space for a wider perspective. We
experience our emotions in a more objective and balanced way.
Myth #2: Self-compassion is indulgent
Self-compassion doesn’t say that were only going to give ourselves pleasure, especially when
pleasure harms us in the long run. Compassion wants health and wellbeing for ourselves. Does a
compassionate and loving mother say to her son, “Do whatever you want! Eat whatever you
want! Blow off school!”? No. She says, “eat your veggies, go to bed on time, do your
homework”. Compassion means we don’t want ourselves to suffer, so if we give ourselves
pleasure in the short-term, and it harms us in the long run, we might want to reconsider.
Myth #3: Self-compassion is complacency
How does self-compassion motivate change? Are we doing ourselves a disservice by always
showing ourselves kindness? Don’t we need constructive criticism? Carl Rogers has a beautiful
quote that is, “the curious paradox is when I accept myself as I am, then I can change”. We carry
a heavy burden of changing before experiencing happiness and self-acceptance. Here’s another
approach, accept yourself now. Flaws and all. That can be a radical idea for many of us. Let me
break it down-When we care about ourselves, we’re going to try as much as possible to make
changes that make us healthier and happier, but we also know that if we fail, it’s still going to be
okay. There is a difference between kind, encouraging, supportive constructive criticism and
self-loathing, rigid criticism. Self-compassion doesn’t judge and evaluate the worth of ourselves
as a person, but it does see wisely, and it does discriminate. It is possible to be both honest and
kind with ourselves about our behaviors and/or things we want to change.