Coping with Loss
Dealing with Loss: The Process + A Personal Story
Losing someone is something that one cannot prepare themselves for. It is one of the most stressful experiences one can go through and it is not something that we can control, but we can control how we react to it. No, I am not saying that we cannot express our emotions and not be angry; please express those emotions! What I am saying is that there are healthy ways and unhealthy ways that one can go about this. I will also be sharing my own story when it comes to losing a loved one and what that looked like for me.
Grieving a loss can show up in many different ways: physically, emotionally, psychologically. Crying happens to be the initial emotion (well maybe aside from shock) and that happens to be a physical expression since you can see it occurring. If after the loss, an increase in anxious or depressed symptoms, this is a psychological one. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist, came up with a now very well-known model called The Five Stages of Grief. Those stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance or DABDA for short.
Denial: It’s exactly what it sounds to be. This is a common defense mechanism to survive the pain and question how you are able to move on without them.
Anger: This is one of the most common responses to have. You may be angry at the doctors who couldn’t save them, mad at yourself for not being there, mad at your Higher Power, or even mad at them for passing away. This emotion can last for days, weeks, and even months so it is important to also have support during this time because most likely, you are not alone in this.
Bargaining: At this stage, you are trying to find ways to get your loved one back. The thoughts of “I would do absolutely anything to get them back” or questioning why they didn’t take someone else comes into play along with wanting to turn back time and do things differently.
Depression: After the denial, anger, and bargaining starts to simmer, you start to feel the loss. The pain is excruciating and unavoidable where you want to isolate yourself and stop doing things that you once loved. As we know, depression can be difficult and is important to push through and surround yourself with support.
Acceptance: This final stage is where you are able to understand that you can move forward, where you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where you no longer struggle with facing the reality that your loved one has passed.
My Personal Story:
In April 2016, my best friend passed away in a motorcycle accident. At this time, I was upset with him and haven’t spoken in weeks due to an argument we had had. When I found out that he had passed away, I was in disbelief. I can still remember where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing; it is still clear as day. As the days went on, I was going through each one of the stages of grief. I didn’t stay in the denial stage for long but I sure was angry for a while. I was angry at the situation, I was angry at him, I was angry with myself, and angry at almost everyone during that time. I was coping with the loss in a very unhealthy way. I wasn’t eating properly, I wasn’t really eating at all, I was isolating myself and burying myself into my school work for so long that I lost a lot of weight and it was obvious to my family and friends that I was not okay. At times like these, it feels like you are alone, but in actuality, I wasn’t, I was making myself feel like I was alone but isolating myself. By the time I got to the depression stage, I knew I needed to talk to someone about it, therefore I did. It was hard, I knew it was going to be but it was better than sitting with this grief and feeling alone. After working with a therapist, I was able to achieve acceptance of the loss and was able to move forward. This is not to say that I don’t think about him often, I do but I am able to smile instead of cry.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but like I mentioned before, there is a healthy way and an unhealthy way. Even though I know it’s difficult and being by yourself seems like the better option, surround yourself with loved ones. Time with them is something that you are not going to regret and they will be a great support system. Be vocal with what you need, whether it's to talk about the situation with them or needing help finding a professional to talk things through.
Some unhealthy ways are self-medicating with alcohol and/or subantaces, not keeping up with personal hygiene, over or under eating, and engaging in risky behavior like drinking and driving or acting out in a sexual way, to name a few. Whatever you are feeling at that moment, remind yourself that you will get through this; you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.